The Naked Truth

“I have a suggestion”

“Go on?”

“You give me his ex’s number, right..
Then I go out with her
The dump her for you
Then you’ll dump me for him
Then he’ll dump you for her
Then she’ll dump him for me
… and so on”

“Haha, that’s a lot more of a possibility than you might think”

“Seriously though, you care about him?”

“Well, yeah, I guess”

“Go and fucking get him then! If he’ll make u smile as much as I’m pretty sure he will do then as I’ve said I’ll do anything to see you happy.
Go and fucking grab him, take what you want and make yourself happy. Tell him how you feel, tell him what you want and what you can’t have happen again. And, for me, be happy.”

The optimism is nothing if not admirable

After some careful consideration and a little experimentation I have come to the conclusion that being single against your own will, and when you are besotted with someone, is shit.

This is somewhat obvious, and doesn’t require a whole heap of brainwork to figure - and yes, it’s a fairly pointless statement to make.

I can’t quite remember where I was going with this.

Ah, yes. Well, I have been given some fantastic advice regarding this matter recently.. most of which seems to amount to “Pull yourself together, no one can possibly be worth getting this upset over - just find someone else”.
Which is all very well, but pretty fucking impossible to achieve.

I was reluctant to try the “finding someone else” element of that, but I had a go.. and these were my results:

When you try to find someone, anyone, when you’re in love with someone else.. you will find yourself hurtled into the path of one of three categories of people:

1. The people who you really aren’t interested in at all, but they grabbed your ass so you think “What the hell” and find yourself being groped by some drugged up fuck up

2. The people who you know you could do so much better than - there’s no way to phrase it without sounding vain and bitchy, but you know what I mean - but they seem to adore you because you looked twice at them.. and you’ll overlook anything just to feel appreciated for half an hour

3. The genuinly nice people, who you do actually like.. but you just can’t bring yourself to do anything about it, because you don’t feel good enough for anyone who actually cares. And they’re just not him.

VI

What is difficult now to credit
Is that carelessness, the debonair
Lover’s leaps, the confident, mindless
Gamble, staking everything. Everthing?
What was there to lose? There was still
The whole world to be gained.
There was still time to be wasted.
The tide was not yet in full flood,
Everything was for the time being
An interlude for the interim - until
The announcement, which we would somehow hear,
That life was now ready, everything
Was now serious. Maybe in those days
We were living as life is best lived,
What followed, maybe, was posthumous,
A semblance of life kept up by caution,
In a museum of prudence. Where errors
Entailed, not relief and new starts,
But screams and death.
What is quietening to remember,
Is the speed of your express
And the speed of mine and our meeting
On the one impossible rail
Not knowing if we were one express, two become one,
Or one following another, or one
Overtaking and somehow all on the one line
And maybe none of these, maybe collision
Our dream life a crisis
Of improvising a rail, rails, stations

Well, it’s not a total retraction.. but I’d just like to make it clear that I no longer agree with any ideas I may have presented regarding trusting people being a good idea.

It’s not.

Now there may be people reading this thinking, “yeah, she’s just bitter about something.. she’ll admit she’s wrong and start trusting someone eventually”
I’ve done that. And guess what? They got too close, everything fucked up, and I was the one who got hurt.

Ok, so perhaps that is none of your concern, but I am just making sure that it is perfectly clear that I do not endorse in any way shape or form:

• Total honesty and openness
• Allowing people to see the real you
• Making yourself vulnerabe to anyone
• Giving anyone more power over you than you have over yourself
• Trusting people

If you choose to go down that road, whatever. It’s your choice, it’s a learning curve.

But it’s a really fucking bad choice, and the curve is going to feel a hell of a lot more like a fall than a steady decline.

However, I still stand by my initial point, that when [not if] you’ve been fucked over.. don’t use it as an excuse to fuck other people about; it makes you just as bad as the person that hurt you.

Back when I used to line dance [I'm just going to throw that out there from the offset, pass your judgements if you will.. I had great fun in my cowboy boots] we learned a dance to a song which I had never heard prior to that: “Commitment” by LeAnn Rimes.

Now, at that point, not actually being all that many years ago, I felt a fairly strong bitterness towards the idea of commitment, relationships and, the dreaded, love.
I genuinly thought that “love”, in the romantic sense of the word, did not exist.. but that is not really the point of this entry, we have Oprah for that kind of thing.. The point is that the idea of “commitment” is pretty poignant, no matter what your age or status in life.

Recently, the discussions of commitment have been opened up again, possibly due to that end-of-summer mood slump which accompanies the return of rain and workloads. There comes a point in every drunken night, lying on the deck of a boat that you don’t know how you came to be on or sitting around bewailing the lack of rum, when someone brings up the topic of love - usually in connection to some kind of recent event, and usually negatively.

You see, the fact is that there are very few of us who haven’t been fucked over in some way, shape or form.. but we all feel like we’ve had it the worst. Naturally, it is your own personal experience which is going to hurt you the most.. and sometimes you can find it hard to accept that others could possibly understand what you have gone through, but the fact is - they probably do.
Youth is such an egocentrical time that of course all our personal aims and wants aren’t going to correlate, and when we all want different things, people are going to get hurt.
These days, sex is not a taboo.. which should be a wonderful thing.. but it’s becoming apparent that we are going to have to take responsibility for our actions.. the sheer number of bitter teenagers out there is somewhat indicative that more and more of us are being used when we are much younger. This breeds anger and upset which inevitably causes an increased number of people to end up damaging others along the way, and so on, in a viscious circle.

The trouble being that with all our self centered behaviour we’re taking people’s trust away.
To be honest, I feel I am preaching to the converted when I say that not being able to trust people, even when you want to, is a truly awful feeling.. but the point being that maybe we should make it our business not to spread this mistrust any further? Perhaps if we were all upfront with one another then the viscious circle wouldn’t suck in quite so many people?

~ We’re never so vulnerable than when we trust someone - but paradoxically, if we cannot trust, neither can we find love or joy. ~
Walter Anderson

I have recently become enthralled in an American trashy teen show called “Greek”. It is all about the US college tradition of joining Fraternities and Sororities, and the drama which ensues as a result of these enormous cliques and the desire to “pledge” into them. It’s the typical girl meets boy, boy sleeps with someone else, she is too thick to finish with him and their relationship takes a rocky road of trial and retribution whilst her younger brother makes a beer volcano, defying the laws of physics and gaining the respect of his moronic Frat brothers.

Now this show, for the most part, is complete rubbish.. but it did lead me to start wondering about the lengths people will go to in order to feel a part of something. The lead girl, Casey, is willing to risk losing the man who is portrayed as the love of her life, not to mention her dignity, in order to keep her chance of being the head of her Sorority, and her younger brother Rusty is prepared to risk his career, morals and criminal record to be appreciated by a bunch of drunken fools.
These examples are obviously hyperbolic in order to maintain the plot of the series, but if you really think about it, aren’t we just as bad?

There is such a a desire within our society to be connected to other people in one way or another, that don’t we constantly compromise ourselves in order not to be poorly judged and therefore exiled from our clique of choice?

I understand that there are people who claim to be “individuals” and not involved in the social hierarchy which dictates our company, pretty much from birth. But really, how individual can a person be? Yes, we are all different and unique, but we are also wholly dependant on other people.. if not financially or physically, then certainly emotionally.

As long as another person can effect your mood, you are not an individual. But as soon as you cease to feel, you are no longer living life to the full.

Curious isn’t it.

It came to my attention whilst not sleeping that this blogging place had become rather over-run with [two] boys who know too much about computers.

So, I have infiltrated the ranks. I hope to bring a small amount of light relief at relatively irregular intervals by blogging about something fluffy and easy to understand.. like shoes.. or why everyone hates Tories.. thus fulfilling a new resolution to use more than 4 websites regularly, and to learn a little more about using this crazy shinding all the cool kids are calling technology.

Anyway, the clock has struck one, the mouse is running down and I am off to read the paper.

No one will be reading this, but if you are, feel free to tell me you did.. so I know I’m being watched.

Love xxx